In the Year of Disappointment

Welcome to Scattered Moments. You know this. We all have years that we don't put in the scrapbook. The year of loss, the year of illness, the year the relationship broke apart, the year the plans collapsed, the year anxiety became a daily companion. The year that we discovered that the future was not nearly as predictable as we once imagined. Years have names. Some are years of celebrations, others are years we never wanted to live. In the year of disappointment, loneliness, fear, in the year of confusion, desperation, and chaos I saw the Lord. My eyes have been blinded by amusement, toys, savings, wealth, dreams, aspirations. In the midst of the sand castles of my own self importance, my eyes were blinded by the temporal when an eternal God shook the doorposts of my soul. He came to me and I saw myself for who I was outside of him, naked, dying, cold, starving and helpless. He did not come in the sanctuaries, he did not come in the crowds, he didn't come in the ceremonies and the shifting dance of the day to day. He came to me in my deepest closet of hopelessness. He did not come with four laws, he didn't come with three points and a pawn. He visited me at midnight when I least expected to hear his voice. He came to me at a time when my hopes were dashed, when my future appeared bankrupt. He came to me when every solid foundation seemed to collapse. He came to me in the wilderness of my own destitution. He came to me in the poverty of my own understanding. He came to me when I laid down my toolbox, my first aid kit, and my cookbook. He came to me, hallelujah. With a quick fix, no. He came to me with a list of seminars and books to read. No. He came to me, and there was absolutely nothing I could offer in my own strength. The masks, the alibis, the diplomas faded beneath the light of his passionate gaze. He didn't need me. He didn't need my talents. He didn't need my knowledge. He didn't need my money or my influence. On the contrary, he came to me because for the first time in my life, I knew I was utterly helpless. I didn't have the answers. For the first time in my life, I knew no word, no thought, no event would change me. Only God Christ alone could change my heart. He came to me. He wrapped his arms around me. And he said, My beloved I have been waiting for you. Maybe you're living in one of those years right now. The year of uncertainty, the year of grief, the year of waiting, the year when something you trusted disappeared, the year when the answers you once carried no longer seemed sufficient. The year when your toolbox was empty and your strength was gone and every familiar foundation seemed to move beneath your feet. I beg of you, as one person who has been there numerous times, don't assume that God has abandoned you. It may be that the collapse of the lesser things is allowing you to see the one who has been present all along. We often want God to repair the year. We want him to restore the plan, rebuild the dream, remove the pain, and return everything to the way it was. Sometimes he does, but sometimes his greatest gift is not restoration of circumstances. Sometimes his greatest gift, well, it's just himself. Perhaps this will always be remembered as the year of disappointment, the year of loneliness, the year of confusion, the year of loss. But by the grace of God, it might also become the year you see the Lord.